I know it's usually a no-no to write about your friends in any specific way. What about a friend, though, whom nobody else here knows, who lives in another country and who never reads this blog? And what if what I write is generally sympathetic? Alright, all names have been changed by the editors...
I have this childhood friend named Gisela. She lives in a big, hip, happening city in Germany. She's very pretty, she's accomplished, she carved out a nice life for herself. Back in 2004, a few months after I met my husband with the help of an internet connection, she started online dating as well and met Joerg. He was a lawyer, recently separated from another girlfriend but seriously in the market for a new one, and reasonably charming. He had a son from this previous involvement, only two years old at the time. A red flag? Maybe. A deal breaker? Probably not.
Over the years I heard stories of their fights, big and small. In the beginning I thought those were just the regular birthing pains of getting on the same page in a relationship. My husband and I had those fights, too. You know, the ones where you find out something about the other person you didn't know and don't know if you can deal with but then you just do. Usually things like being a jerk during fights or always starting to cry at the slightest provocation.. But I digress.
When Gisela told me that Joerg had changed the locks of his home several times on her, so she couldn't use her key anymore, and that he generally disliked if she brought company over to his place when he wasn't there, the words "control" and "freak" popped into my head. She wasn't living with him then, but spent most of her time at his house and had brought in a significant amount of her things, clothes, dishes, her bike, and so on. She felt that she had a place in his life, yet whenever problems arose, usually centered on the issues involving his son, Joerg was quick to kick her to the curb, or at the very least he threatened to.
One day she told me that she had chased him in her car on the autobahn. She was beside herself after a huge blowup and he took off. So she decided to follow. She sped after him, crying, agitated, doing 150 km/h at least, all the way to his sister's house. He got out, called her crazy. Said he never wanted to see her again and that he's changing the locks. Ah, yes, the lock thing became a theme.
Fast forward to 2009. Last October, Gisela had a son with Joerg. I remember the tingly numbness of shock when she told me they were trying for a child. I had just met Joerg for the first time ever. I was in her city, visiting with my husband, and we were introduced to the lock-changer. I felt immediate nausea. I didn't like him. He was a withholding, humorless little man. His eyes were piercing and devoid of warmth. And I literally feared for my friend.
Their baby is now almost a year old. He's a sweet little boy and the light of Gisela's life. My slightly envious vision of her happy Euro-family was crushed when last weekend she called me, sobbing. She's at the end of her rope. They fight all the time. He doesn't support her at all, leaves all the household work to her, doesn't touch her, sleeps on the couch and spends more time with his oldest son now than ever. He lies. He calls her names. He tells her she's fat. (She's not.) And most importantly: when they fight he threatens to kick her out and change the locks. He started last weekend by taking her car keys away. Oh, and he bruised her arm by twisting it in a fit of rage.
I'll never say "I told you so", because I never did. I kept my mouth shut over the years, hoping she would see the light. I never said "don't get pregnant by this guy" when she was trying to. Now I hear her sobbing on the other end of the phone line and I feel a twinge of guilt. Maybe I should have told her what my instinct told me about Joerg? That he's a controlling, raging dipshit?
What are the options now? She is a mother and her whole life has changed. From this point forward, she is living her own personal hell. No matter what happens to their unhealthy union, Gisela won't be able to leave Joerg behind. She is connected to this vindictive man forever through her boy, whom she loves more than anything. It's a fate I would never wish on anyone, least of all a friend.
PS: After a friend just commented how Gisela could just raise the child all by herself, which is indeed a great idea, I realize I left a small (but huge) detail out. Gisela and Joerg signed legal documents immediately after the birth of their son, sharing custody. Joerg insisted on this because they didn't plan to marry and he had to fight to see his first child. The mother of that kid was not very cooperative. I wonder why? So he made sure that Gisela couldn't just take the kid and run...
